What the Heart Chooses to Say

There was this distinct moment I remember a couple of years ago, before Abe, before we'd even begun the process of adoption where I found myself sitting at our computer desk in the office, crying, depressed, lost, and telling Ted, "I know one day I'm going to look back at this time and see that God was with us, that we're just in the valley, but right now in this moment, I just want it to be over. I don't want to climb this mountain. I want to be on the other side already. I've had enough." Enough, enough, enough, I'd had enough. Of being misunderstood, of being "other," of trying to find my way in a brand new city without a job and without a child in my early '30s, a very difficult proposition. I was tired and rain was getting to me and the insomnia was fully charged...

Things felt dark, very dark.

Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Months went by, we decided to adopt. The light came on again. I was pulled from the pit. I felt a little less "other" but still not completely in the club. I had a path to walk on. I could get out of bed again. I started a blog. My head was clear. Life felt hopeful.

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

More months went by. We heard of a little boy named Abenezer. I fell in love. My world expanded. My heart expanded until breaking. But then...no. Stop. Full stop. This won't happen. I made friends with two folks I named Knot and Dark Thoughts who had Jagermeister parties in the pit of my stomach. They were always with me. I wrote posts like this one and this one. I went to church and stood silently while everyone else sang. These words felt so real that I couldn't get them out.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Now it's exactly one year later. A few nights ago, I was sitting on the basement couch, laughing at Tina Fey, eating peanuts, when that boy who is lit from within, put his arm around my neck, unprompted, placed his cheek on my cheek, and said, "Momma." He lays cradled in my arms, eyes in my eyes, sippy cup in one hand, thumb in mouth, and says "Bah-mm, Momma, Oh-ba-mama" and finally a slurred version of "Iwubbu."

So I stood up in church this morning, still unable to get the words out, remembering the valley, the mountain we crossed, the pit, the fear, the clinging to Christ, and this current state of streams of abundance with a strong man who walked this winding road with me and a magical, lit-from-within boy whose favorite words are bah-mm, dah-nn*, poop, eat, happy, Mama, and who just this morning came out with a beautiful groovy.

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

*bah-mm=bottle, dah-nn=diaper