Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My Very Own Larry David

So we were checking out at Costco today (surely the eight words signaling the start of many epic stories) putting our rotisserie chicken, half-gallon of half and half (we drink a lot of coffee), 5 pound bag of quinoa, and other staples on the conveyor belt when we suddenly found ourselves on the receiving end of an extremely foul mood by the old-man checker. Apparently, we had ruined his day by not placing the plastic separater bar thingee on the belt before we started to load our stuff. We had left at least a 3 foot gap between our stuff and the stuff of the folks in front of us, but the curmudgeon checking us out ignored the chasm of space between piles of stuff and added a bunch of our stuff to the other folks tab.

When he figured out the mistake, he glared in our direction and started tossing our stuff back our way, chiding us for not placing the plastic bar down to separate the piles of stuff. Ted said he was sorry but that he thought the big gap would have been enough. Well, that was simply too much for the Costco curmudgeon. He glared at us for a good three seconds (might not sound like very long, but count three seconds and imagine a Costco checker glaring with hatred directly at you, and it starts to feel like a short eternity) and pointed at not just one but three plastic bars we could have used to separate our stuff.

I think it was the condescending tone that pushed Ted over the edge. I have a big problem with grouchy people taking out their bad mood on innocents like us, and Ted has an equally big problem with anyone speaking condescendingly to him, especially after he'd already said he was sorry. So what did Ted do?

My 6 foot 6 inch tall husband who is as spindly as a praying mantis and has a theatrically-trained voice that could fill a 10,000 seat concert hall decides to lift both hands in the air over his head, and belt out in his best Ian McKellen-inspired voice "I apologize to Costco! I apologize to Costco!" turning side to side so as many people as possible can hear his heartfelt apology.

Truly, the Costco Curmudgeon deserved it, but I realized in that moment that my life is sometimes like one long episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I just shook my head and mumbled something about needing to go pee and walked away, desperately needing to get away from two horribly misbehaving men.

20 comments:

Kristi said...

Oh Lori....I would have died....but that is too funny!

The Albertsons said...

Oh my gosh... that is HILARIOUS... I know maybe not to you, but you just made my night with that scene in my head...
Zach and Ted... brothers from another mother...
(ps- i cannot stand grouchies who take their stuff out on me and my kids... grrrr...)

stephanie said...

*snort*

I really wish it was on video.

jill said...

that is a great story and i can picture every moment of it.

really, a gallon of half n half? that's amazing.

Ted and Lori said...

I had to go back and look: it's only a half-gallon of half-n-half.

Cindy said...

That is fantastic. Had quite a good chuckle! Thanks!

Eryn said...

I wish you were at my costco! It would have made MY shopping experience there this week so much more amusing! (at your expense...I guess that's not cool :) )

Claudia said...

I guess that's one of the few funny stories that is actually funnier if you WEREN'T there. Made me giggle out loud :)

Julie said...

Tee Hee.

Carol said...

OK - I'm pretty much the Larry David of my family, so this explains why I find this so funny. You had me at the point when Ted pointed out that the massive space between items might have been a clue!

PVZ said...

Quite funny, but I cringe for you...

Melissa said...

Hilarious! Good for Ted! Okay, I can see your embarassment, but still... sooo funny. A low point for your day, but a high point for mine, this post.

More Dorrs said...

This simultaneously makes me laugh and cringe. Love the Rooneys!

-beka

Autumn and Dan's family said...

Ha Ha. I wish I was there! In my Costco experiences I believe that Costco should be apologizing to me. That place gives me a panic attack every time. Even though you snuck away...I believe that is what Cheryl would do. Have you ever thought of a reality show of your family? Could be interesting...
I'll see you tonight!

courtney rose said...

Damn this made me laugh out loud.

The Hedwall Family said...

I laughed out loud because I feel your pain! Costco definitely brings out the worst in husbands especially! If it's not bad behavior, it's the trying to sneak crap into the cart such as 48 cans of Monster Energy drink, or the pack of 500 blank Cds. Good Lord I hate costco.

The H Family said...

Just happened upon your blog--we're another Gladney family--and had to tell you this story is hilarious. Partly because we just joined Costco last month...mostly because of the image of your husband with his hands in the air. Thanks for sharing, it was a great chuckle!

Erin Sager said...

I love this story...Classic!!!

Karen said...

Thanks for sharing. A much needed laugh!

Lori said...

What a delicious story! Man, I wish I were there to see it!!!! Go Ted! He did what most of think of but never dare to do!

AWESOME!