Pins and Needles

If I knew for a fact that it would not embarrass this sweet darling in the photo here with Baby Abe, I'd ask for a caption contest for this photo. Her expression is...I don't know what. I just know that I want this girl to move to Oregon and be our regular baby-sitter. Another sweet family picking up their daughter sent us a couple of new pictures yesterday, which of course I am so thankful for. Getting any kind of news and especially pictures is such a God-send.

I've been so surprised by how difficult this part of the process has been. The first few days after getting the referral for Nezer, we were riding high in a constant state of euphoria. After about a week, we're still excited, but I think I'm becoming manic. I want to be with this baby now. I have never in all my life felt a greater loss of control about anything. All I know is that there's this baby out there who we are desperately praying will become Our Own Rooney tomorrow in court, and that I'm dying to figure out what that foot rash is about and get the right medication for it. I'm dying to hold him, to smell that hair that everyone who has seen him says is the first case of Ethiopian blond hair they've seen, to feel his little heart beat as he snuggles on my chest, to hopefully coax a smile out of him...to be his momma.

But here we are so far away and all we can do is wait. And I've never had to run to God more. You are right, Jill, trust is the opposite of control, and that's a lesson I'm trying hard to learn. Well, it's being forced upon me, I should say, but I do want to learn it.

A lot of crazy things go on in your brain when you know you're about to become a parent. Yesterday I took a niece and nephew to see The Water Horse and cried through at least half of it, even at parts that weren't intended to be sad. I cried when I saw all the old-fashioned wooden toys the boy was playing with in his room, longing for our son to have a similar imaginative place to play, free of ugly plastic things with bells and whistles. I cried at the beautiful scenery of Scotland, remembering the drives Ted and I went on there two years ago and how we'd stop at every curve to get out and explore this phenomenal place of beauty. I cried at the way this boy was so gentle with a wild creature and how I want our kids to respect and have compassion for animals (it makes me crazy to see children chase and kick small animals--I think this is the ugliest side of human nature, to terrorize a being weaker than oneself). I cried at all the flashback scenes of the boy and his father, knowing that Ted is going to be the same kind of dad--one who takes time to encourage and teach our boy to stand tall.

I spent the day today as far away as possible from the kitchen remodel situation. I discovered yet another children consignment shop in our neighborhood where I got a whole bag full of stuff, from a few more clothes to blankets to an African lullabies CD to one of those night-time sleepers (so no need for blankets). I even found a pair of shoes: the cutest little fuzzy lined leather boots you've ever seen, perfect for winter in Portland.

A friend lent me her Moses basket this afternoon and showed me the ins and outs of the various baby carriers, from the Moby wraps (spelling?) to Ergo carries, and some sling thingee too. She even let me try them out with her Baby E, the one who is twice the weight of Nezer.

Then lo and behold, I came home to discover that the first upper cabinet has been installed in the kitchen, along with a functioning sink and dishwasher! I am blessed beyond measure. I consider the sound of our running dishwasher in the other room to be our first miracle of 2008.

We found out yesterday from Gladney that Abe has gained a full pound since we last heard and has grown two inches. He seems to be a laid-back kind of fella, one who doesn't put up much of a fuss about too much. We're hoping he's our Zen-baby who sleeps all night and goes with the flow. Gladney also sent us this photograph which I'll leave you with.

What a miracle it will be if we pass court tomorrow. I'm trying to prepare myself the best I can for the real possibility of some sort of glitch or delay, which seems to be happening more and more often these days. It's the same coping mechanism I used to handle the Waiting for a referral; it's just a heck of a lot harder now that we have big brown eyes and dimples to look at...