Thursday, February 28, 2008

Hold it up to the light

One of our friends recently referred to Baby Abenezer as an "orphan," and I found myself getting angry and wanting to come to his defense. My first thought upon hearing this word applied to him was, "No! He's not an orphan! I'm his mother!" I realize it sounds crazy, but in my heart, this child is not an orphan.

I think I'm a wee tad bit over-sensitive these days.

It's a tricky place we're in right now for many reasons, but mainly because we have absolutely no idea how to plan our lives for the next month. Will we be able to go to Ethiopia? If yes, we should start packing now because we might fly from Southern California instead of Portland which would mean going down there in the next week. All the logistics are really boring. Suffice it to say, it's a nerve-wracking time we're in and at times I feel like I'm going nuts.

Last night, I was a ball of nerves because friends were dropping popcorn on my recently mopped floors. When one friend noticed my angst-ridden posture and asked how I was, I was unable to speak, felt my bottom lip quivering, trying to shove it all down. The reality of needing to pack bags for a child I love but whom someone may say I never get to know is...uh, no fun at all. I don't want to be overly-dramatic, but as we get closer day by day to March 4th, I feel like my heart is constantly right on the verge of breaking.

Ted rediscovered a David Wilcox song today. He paid attention to the lyrics for the first time and had me listen to the song as well. It came at a good time. Ted and I chose to walk down this road, and in the middle of what feels like terrible darkness, I hold my heart, my future, and this crisis up to the light. Hour by hour, I'm trying to give it to God. I think doing this might make me a nicer person, one who doesn't obsess about popcorn on the floor.
I don't know what the deal is with the semi-violent, bizarre Sean Astin/Malcolm Jamal Warner clips and cheesy rock-song weirdness at the beginning and end, but this is the only youtube clip I could find of this song.


It's the choice of a lifetime - I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight
So hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

It's too late - to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here - a possible way
But wait - and they all will be lost roads
Each road's getting shorter the longer I stay

Now as soon as I'm moving - my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared, Is my life at stake?
But I see if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right
Yes and hold it up hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

15 comments:

Jocelyn said...

What a beautiful song. I am thinking of you constantly and will be right with you all on Tuesday. I love the books you sent...thanks so much!

jody said...

I have been praying for you and thinking of you often-and i haven't even met you! so it is possible to have a relationship w/ people you haven't met :) but i always think of your court date as a command "March FORTH!", with confidence in God leading the way on this journey. just wanted to share that with you!!

jill said...

love your honesty about the irritation with popcorn on the floor. it made me smile. And i hate the word orphan too, someone it makes you think of someone unloved and alone in the world and that is not this baby!

Kerri said...

Hugs...
Kerri and Ruby

the albertsons said...

I love that song. My heart is so invested in your case that I feel anxious, and I've never met you in person. So if I feel this way... my heart is breaking for your heart... just know that so many are standing with you, trying to shoulder some of your burden. We really care so deeply.
praying like a crazy woman...
becca
(it's funny, too, b/c I have wonderful friends here who ask "how's the adoption going? And I'll say well it's okay... Ted and Lori go to court March 4th, and then we... blah blah..." and people are like what? who? It's pretty funny :)

Jillienne said...

What a crazy ride life is. I have to believe that we are going through these things because we are strong enough to handle them and to do what needs to be done. In the end you will know you did the right thing, the only thing, for you so that there can be peace in your heart. I will be praying for you all everday.

Love,
Jillienne

Angie said...

March 4 is also my dad's birthday. I'll ask him to say a little prayer for you. He also, btw, loves the name Abenezer. :)

Stacie said...

That song is beautiful - and so right. I remember the limbo feeling after the referral - before the court date, and it was weird enough, but you are dealing with that magnified by 1000. I'm feeling for you - and of course praying that those bags can be packed and you can get on your way to your baby.

Karen said...

Thanks for posting this song. We just dropped off our application to our Homestudy agency yesterday, so we're just waiting to be assigned a social worker. It's exciting, and scary! This song is so true, we just have to trust that we're making good decisions, and that God will lead us step by step.

Karen said...

Thanks for posting this song. We just dropped off our application to our Homestudy agency yesterday, so we're just waiting to be assigned a social worker. It's exciting, and scary! This song is so true, we just have to trust that we're making good decisions, and that God will lead us step by step.

Braedensmommy said...

I am also praying for you. The only thing I cling to through this is that when you feel you can't go on, someone how we always just do. I'll find myself this way alot. I will say that I physically can't do it anymore, but somehow I just do. Because you have to for him.

graceling said...

I am a dork. Let me just preface this comment with a general acknowledgement of my dorkiness.

That said...

Dude, if you can make it thru this with just getting a little upset about popcorn, you are so going to breeze thru the rest of parenting!

You are handling the most amazingly difficult situation with profound grace and wisdom. I feel really honored to be a (very small) part of this journey.

Praying for you, Momma! (and Daddy!)

kristine said...

Ted and Lori,

I've been following your blog a little bit...and just feel kinda silly being a "lurker," so...here's a bit of an intro...my name is Kristine. My daughter (home from China 2004) and I are waiting for her little sister from Ethiopia sometime in 2008. Just wanted you to know that we are praying for and thinking of you as you approach your court date...praying that all goes well and your little guy is forever yours.

Blessings from Washington State,

Kristine

Annie said...

You are such an inspiration and I know what you are thinking, "we don't want to be an inspiration; we just want our baby home!!!"
You are handling this with amazing strength.

Keeping you in my prayers--

Anonymous said...

Love the song. May we all learn to better hold things up to the light. I pray that you soon have so many little baby messes all over your home that the memory of popcorn on your clean floor just makes you laugh.

Pattie