Hold it up to the light

One of our friends recently referred to Baby Abenezer as an "orphan," and I found myself getting angry and wanting to come to his defense. My first thought upon hearing this word applied to him was, "No! He's not an orphan! I'm his mother!" I realize it sounds crazy, but in my heart, this child is not an orphan.

I think I'm a wee tad bit over-sensitive these days.

It's a tricky place we're in right now for many reasons, but mainly because we have absolutely no idea how to plan our lives for the next month. Will we be able to go to Ethiopia? If yes, we should start packing now because we might fly from Southern California instead of Portland which would mean going down there in the next week. All the logistics are really boring. Suffice it to say, it's a nerve-wracking time we're in and at times I feel like I'm going nuts.

Last night, I was a ball of nerves because friends were dropping popcorn on my recently mopped floors. When one friend noticed my angst-ridden posture and asked how I was, I was unable to speak, felt my bottom lip quivering, trying to shove it all down. The reality of needing to pack bags for a child I love but whom someone may say I never get to know is...uh, no fun at all. I don't want to be overly-dramatic, but as we get closer day by day to March 4th, I feel like my heart is constantly right on the verge of breaking.

Ted rediscovered a David Wilcox song today. He paid attention to the lyrics for the first time and had me listen to the song as well. It came at a good time. Ted and I chose to walk down this road, and in the middle of what feels like terrible darkness, I hold my heart, my future, and this crisis up to the light. Hour by hour, I'm trying to give it to God. I think doing this might make me a nicer person, one who doesn't obsess about popcorn on the floor.
I don't know what the deal is with the semi-violent, bizarre Sean Astin/Malcolm Jamal Warner clips and cheesy rock-song weirdness at the beginning and end, but this is the only youtube clip I could find of this song.

It's the choice of a lifetime - I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight
So hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

It's too late - to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here - a possible way
But wait - and they all will be lost roads
Each road's getting shorter the longer I stay

Now as soon as I'm moving - my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared, Is my life at stake?
But I see if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right
Yes and hold it up hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light