Sunday, January 25, 2009

What the Heart Chooses to Say

There was this distinct moment I remember a couple of years ago, before Abe, before we'd even begun the process of adoption where I found myself sitting at our computer desk in the office, crying, depressed, lost, and telling Ted, "I know one day I'm going to look back at this time and see that God was with us, that we're just in the valley, but right now in this moment, I just want it to be over. I don't want to climb this mountain. I want to be on the other side already. I've had enough." Enough, enough, enough, I'd had enough. Of being misunderstood, of being "other," of trying to find my way in a brand new city without a job and without a child in my early '30s, a very difficult proposition. I was tired and rain was getting to me and the insomnia was fully charged...

Things felt dark, very dark.

Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Months went by, we decided to adopt. The light came on again. I was pulled from the pit. I felt a little less "other" but still not completely in the club. I had a path to walk on. I could get out of bed again. I started a blog. My head was clear. Life felt hopeful.

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

More months went by. We heard of a little boy named Abenezer. I fell in love. My world expanded. My heart expanded until breaking. But then...no. Stop. Full stop. This won't happen. I made friends with two folks I named Knot and Dark Thoughts who had Jagermeister parties in the pit of my stomach. They were always with me. I wrote posts like this one and this one. I went to church and stood silently while everyone else sang. These words felt so real that I couldn't get them out.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Now it's exactly one year later. A few nights ago, I was sitting on the basement couch, laughing at Tina Fey, eating peanuts, when that boy who is lit from within, put his arm around my neck, unprompted, placed his cheek on my cheek, and said, "Momma." He lays cradled in my arms, eyes in my eyes, sippy cup in one hand, thumb in mouth, and says "Bah-mm, Momma, Oh-ba-mama" and finally a slurred version of "Iwubbu."

So I stood up in church this morning, still unable to get the words out, remembering the valley, the mountain we crossed, the pit, the fear, the clinging to Christ, and this current state of streams of abundance with a strong man who walked this winding road with me and a magical, lit-from-within boy whose favorite words are bah-mm, dah-nn*, poop, eat, happy, Mama, and who just this morning came out with a beautiful groovy.

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

*bah-mm=bottle, dah-nn=diaper

26 comments:

Cindy said...

:)

Julie said...

:) :)

coffeemom said...

Ah, these are the best. When we can see it: the good. The truest deepest good that there is and make that connection: Blessed be Your Name.
I love this post.
You make me cry. I know that head hug and cheek press. And it is sooo good. And I am so very very glad for you to know it, after that dark empty place.

Groovy.

Love M

Amy said...

The song gets me too... Can't sing it without crying.

:) :) and :) because I feel I need to follow the above pattern.

Amy B. said...

What a beautiful post, Lori. It was good to talk to you today. I am so glad that you are my friend. You have such a beautiful spirit. I love your writing.

Amy

Heather said...

Lovely!

Lori said...

Oh Lori, how beautiful! What a moment!!!

The Albertsons said...

wow.
:) :) :) :)

courtney rose said...

Loeb it.
:) :) :) :) :)

Anonymous said...

Nice post Lori - thanks for remembering & giving honor to the "journey"

Jim Raleigh

Jocelyn said...

Beautiful Lori, just beautiful!

More Dorrs said...

Tears. Happy tears.

Glad to have someone who has traveled this road before me.

-b

Eryn said...

what a wonderful post. That is one of my favorite worship songs. It captures so much of the story God takes us on...

Glad you're enjoying the streams of abundance, I hope there are many many more for you! Eryn

Blog Shmog said...

Beautiful Lori. I'm glad you are home because that means more posts from you. :)

Bethany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bethany said...
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Bethany said...

I love it! Thanks for sharing!

I can't believe your in P-land and we've still never met! Uhhhhh hello keizer-ites!

:-)

Bethany said...

Those were my removed comments..some reason it posted 3 times :-)

Claudia said...

:) :) :) :) :) :)

I have to say, I'm still having those computer moments. But it's really, REALLY helpful to see people who have got to the other side of that mountain.

Carol said...

So happy you started that blog! We're so much better off out here in the blog community because of it. And, yowser, next time you guys come through the DFW area, let's get a big to-do going!

Rebecca said...

This post feels so much like me. I don't think I've been to church in the past year without crying. The music always gets me the most. I remember singing "Jesus, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save..." right before our last court date. With my whole heart I wanted to believe He could move the mountain between Eli and us, but after being delayed for so long I thought it was hopeless. I was in tears.

I'm still in tears now. But, they are happy tears. It's so nice to be on the other side of the mountain. With our babies.

Anonymous said...

Your post was such a gift on Sunday night. i had just gone through the most horrible weekend with my autistic 3 year old- full of middle of the night temper tanrums, throwing things, screaming, struggling to communicate. I have been so tired, so stressed with work, so scared for my son's future, so sick of being broke and trying to save for more therapiese, tired of being on the verge of tears,so fed up with being trapped in the house because my son doesn't understand appropraite behavior -that I felt myself saying that same word - ENOUGH ENOUGH!!

Your post made me sit back and take a deep breath. I am not the most spiritual person but when I take the time to consider faith I can find a little peace. Your post re-set me for the evening and I can't thank you enough. I know my issues are very different than those you were reflecting on but the feelings you expressed resonated with me.

I hope in a few years I will have passed through the valley and I will be on the other side of the mountain.

I found your blog way back before my son's diagnosis when we hoped to adopt down the road. I have been a faithful reader ever since!

-Emma
www.spectrumliving.blogspot.com

DrewCareyShow said...

what a beautiful, beautiful post. And little abey baby is getting so big! let us know next time you're down south. would love to get together.

Jana said...

Blessed be Your name, O Lord,

For blessing Lori in the darkness,

For blessing her in the light.

filoli said...

Love the "lit-from-within boy" description...perfect...

and love Jana's comment...

for the light and the dark...

Karen said...

Thanks Lori. I needed this today because I'm in the "valley" part right now. Thinking our adoption is never going to happen.

This post gives me hope.....